The Heart's Ashes Read online

  “Nah, Emily’ll be at college mostly. It’ll just be me.”

  Dad nodded. I knew he didn’t approve of my decision not to go to college, but he hadn’t said it...yet.

  “So, which room is yours, Emily?” Vicki asked, changing the subject, I think.

  “Oh, I took the first bedroom down the hall, right next to the bathroom.”

  “So you’re in the master bedroom, Ara?” Dad asked.

  “Yep. I’ll show you.” I linked arms with Dad and Vicki and led them back the way they came.

  “Oh, now that’s exactly where I would’ve put that couch.” Vicki, forced by the pull of my finished lounge room, stopped just before my bedroom door.

  “Yeah, I figure a book in hand, coffee on the table and the golden sunlight would make for my kind of afternoon.”

  “Gets bright, though,” Dad said, holding his hand as a visor above his eyes. “That lake’s a bit reflective, isn’t it?”

  “I know.” I looked out at the grassy picnic spot across the road. “But that view is the reason I chose this place, so I don’t mind a bit of blinding every now and then.”

  “It’s lovely.” Vicki nodded, then her eyes widened as she turned around and looked into my bedroom. “Wow, it’s light in here too, and very open.”

  “Where will you put your bed?” Dad asked.

  “Right where you’re standing.”

  He looked down at his feet, drew his hands from his pockets and skipped away from that spot as though he’d been standing on the bed itself.

  The room was square, with the bathroom sitting beside the door to the wardrobe and across from the windows. I’d been told that it was bad feng shui to have the foot of your bed facing the door or a window, so that left only two ways my bed could actually go.

  “Well, at least you can fit all your clothes in the wardrobe.”

  “Yeah. I don’t think I could live without a walk-in now.”

  “You did it at your mum’s for seventeen years,” Dad said.

  I shrugged. “New habits aren’t worth breaking if you don’t have to.”

  “It’s got a spa!” Vicki called from the bathroom.

  “Yep,” I beamed.

  “Oh, Ara. I’m jealous.” Vicki hugged her arms across her waist. “This is my dream home.”

  “But smaller, right?”

  “Yes, but it has a spa!”

  Dad placed his arm around my stepmother and kissed her head. “We’ll get you a spa if you want one, Vicki.”

  She smiled softly.

  “Okay, well, that’s pretty much all there is to it—aside from the garage, but you’ve seen a garage before and there’s not much backyard to show either.”

  “Well, you’ve really done well for yourself, Ara.” Vicki stepped away from Dad and stood by the window, taking in the sunset over the lake across the road.

  “Plenty of kids around out there.” Dad leaned forward a little, peering through my blinds. “Good spot to raise a family.”

  “Yeah—long way off, Dad.”

  “Never know,” he said so absently I wondered if he even knew he said it.

  Vicki looked at me apologetically.

  I shook my head and wandered out of my room.

  “So, uh—” Dad stopped by the front door, looking at Vicki as he shuffled his feet.

  “What is it?” I breathed impatiently, placing my hands on my hips. “Just tell me.”

  “It’s uh—well there’re a few wedding gifts that didn’t have return addresses on them. We figured now would be a good time to tell you about them.” Dad looked behind him. “I have them in the car.”

  “Dad?” I moaned. “I don’t want them.”

  “Well, it’s just—Mike said the same thing. I don’t know what to do with them.”

  “Oh, fine, bring them in then. What could it hurt?” I huffed, then stopped and looked at Dad. “Er, they’re not still wrapped are they?”

  Vicki elbowed Dad. “Told you.”

  “Fine. Whatever.” I threw my hands up.

  “Coffees are on the bench, Ara,” Emily said, popping her head around the archway.

  “Okay, we’re coming.”

  Exhausted from the long day of unpacking, I stationed myself in the square pools of moonlight shining onto the carpet through the French windows. The now unwrapped wedding gifts stared at me from the floor, the lounge and the small round table behind me, sitting nestled between the two tub chairs in the bayed window space.

  He really could have at least unwrapped them for me.

  “What’d you get?” Emily slumped in the tub-chair behind me.

  “Um—” I looked at the pile and shrugged. “Mostly crystal glasses, a sheet set, and—” I lifted the wrapping paper. “A chess set.”

  “Cool.” Emily leaned back and blew a strand of hair off her face. “Oh, hey, Mike called, by the way—while you were at the shop. He said he’d call tonight.”

  I melted into the carpet. Great. So far, with all the house hunting and moving preparations, I’d managed to avoid talking to him, but I knew I couldn’t avoid it much longer. I slid up into the tub chair across from Emily and sat a nearly flat box on the table between us.

  “You’re going to have to talk to him sometime, Ara—it’s been two months.”

  “I’m not ready yet, Em. You should’ve seen the look on his face when he left. I destroyed him.” I pulled the frosted glass chessboard out of its box.

  “And what do you think it’s doing to him now, that every time he calls to talk to you, he’s stuck with a five minute casual chat with me instead?” She grabbed a chess piece from my hand and held it until I looked at her. “You have to talk to him, Ara.”

  “Fine,” I rebuked, slamming the chess pieces into place on the board. “If I do, will you shut up about him?”

  Emily softened and leaned forward. “Ara, he still loves you—”

  “So you keep saying.”

  “I’m just—it’s just that I never...I don’t like the way he sounds,” she finished. “He...he doesn’t have that...that hint of humour his voice always used to have. I just...I don’t think he’s okay.”

  “What’s your point?”

  “Don’t just say you’ll talk to him, actually talk to him.”

  As I set each white chess piece on the board, they gave a gentle clunk. I let the sound answer Emily for me.

  “Ara.”

  “Em. I...” I shook my head and swallowed. “He’ll convince me to be with him again. I don’t know if—”

  “That’s what you’re afraid of?” She leaned forward. “Ara, that’s silly. He knows how you feel. He’s given you space, time, everything. He’s not going to try to convince you to take him back—that’s not why he’s calling.”

  “I know but...I’m not a hundred percent sure I don’t want to be with him. I just need more time to think before I hear his voice again.”

  “Reasonable enough, I suppose. It’s just sad, that’s all.” She stood up and walked toward the kitchen.

  “Pretty much everything in my life is, Em—but at least I have you.”

  Emily drummed her fingers on the corner of the wall where she stopped. “Yeah, you’ll always have me.”

  Quietly, I went back to setting up the chess set. “Hey, Em? Did you move one of the pieces?” I called out.

  “Nope. Why?”

  “Oh, there’s just one missing?” I leaned back in my chair and stared at the almost complete set.

  “Which one?” she yelled, her voice echoing all the way from her bathroom.

  “The black knight.”

  “Check the box.”

  “I did—” duh, “it’s not in there.”

  “Well, where’d you buy it?” She popped her head around the corner again. “Maybe you can return it.”

  “Nah, it was a gift, remember?”

  “Oh.” Her lips made a long circle. “Dodgy.”

  “Yeah. Oh well.” I clicked my tongue, considering the incomplete set. “We’ll just us
e one of Sam’s Lego men or something.”

  “Well, I don’t play chess anyway.” Emily shrugged. “So, unless you plan to play alone...” She walked away, letting the hidden meaning behind that statement hang loosely in the air behind her.

  As my bedroom came to completion when I shook out my pink and black cherry blossom quilt, I stood back and took it all in. Though the sun was long gone and the dark sky had seeped into my beautiful new house, it felt bright and sunny in my room.

  I nodded, a self-satisfied nod, and stuffed my hands in my pockets. This is my room. With all my own things. The first place that’s truly mine—that I can truly call home.

  But the quilt cover reflected the dark mood I was in the day I purchased it, and the sleigh bed I bought straight off the floor seemed to lack any real connection to me. Everything seemed out of place and odd, even though the rhythm bedsides perfectly matched the antique dresser my grandmother left me, which sat neatly in the space across from the foot of my bed.

  Then, after standing alone for a while, each item that caught my eye around the room made me smile. New meets old. Little pieces of my life, from different times, that were made to be together. For once.

  Outside, wind brushed the leaves of the topiary trees against my window. I briskly marched across my room and twisted the wand on the venetian blinds, closing out the streetlight, then flopped on my bed, sinking into the feather-soft mattress.

  “It’s been a long day.”

  I tilted my head backward to look at Emily, standing in the doorway. “Sure has.”

  “Can I come in?”

  “Of course you can, Em.”

  She smiled then flopped down next to me—her feet dangling off the opposite side, mimicking my hands-on-belly, eyes-on-ceiling position.

  “I’m glad you asked me to move in with you, Ara.”

  “Me too.”

  “And I’m glad you didn’t go back to Perth.”

  I breathed out through my nose. “Me too.”

  “Do you...do you think we’ll ever see Mike again?”

  I rolled onto my side and looked at Emily. “I’m sure of it. So, when’s Spencer coming over?”

  She shrugged. “He’ll be here in an hour.”

  “When are you—” The ringing phone interrupted my sentence. “Hang on a sec.” I jumped off the bed and ran out to the phone-stand near the archway. “All right, all right, I’m coming,” I said under my breath then picked up the receiver. “Hello?” I chimed, regretting it instantly.

  “Ara?” Mike sounded surprised that I actually answered.

  “Uh. Mike, hi.”

  He laughed down the line. “Forget to check the number, huh?”

  I huffed loudly. “You know me too well.”

  “Why are you avoiding me, baby? I’m not stupid. I caught on to it the first day you were ‘out at the shops’.”

  I smiled; we both knew I was actually standing right by the phone, waving my hands around. “I just don’t know what to say, Mike.”

  “Nothing, Ara. You don’t need to say anything at all. I’m still your friend. I still love you—like always. No matter what, okay?”

  “I know. I’m sorry, Mike.” I sighed.

  “Okay,” he said, laughing the word out. “Take my calls from now on, then.”

  “Okay, I promise.”

  “Good. Now, how did the move go?”

  And just like that, life moved on. I landed a job at a music store, teaching unenthusiastic kids to play piano, and Emily counted down the days until she started college. But despite the constant ache in my heart for the boy I loved and missed so terribly, we were actually kind of happy, Emily and I, which made the months move on without the hands of time paying any attention. Only my soul knew the truth of the passing days, and it grew weaker and more disconnected from the world with each sunrise. “Ara!” Emily bounded toward me as I stepped out of my bedroom.

  “Oh, Em.” I rubbed my eyes, unable to see properly yet. “It’s too early in the morning for all this enthusiasm.”

  “I know, but...I’ve got you a date for the dinner tonight.”

  “What? Em, I don’t want—”

  “I think you’ll like him? His hair is blonde, but he looks a bit like David?” She offered.

  “Em, that’s sick.”

  “Oh, come on, Ara. It’s one date.”

  “Emily.” I dropped my hands onto my hips and snarled internally at how the rising sun, shining through the French windows in the music room, made her hair look strawberry blonde and way too perfect for seven in the morning. “Just like the last guy you tried to set me up with...I’m not interested.”

  “Ara, you’re still a virgin, you need to—”

  “Ah.” I held my finger out. “Stop right there. Em.” With a sigh, I shook my head then put the kettle on to boil. “I don’t want a relationship. I just want to live my life.”

  “Who said anything about a relationship? It’s just se—”

  “Hey! I said enough. I’m not going to get into a discussion about my personal life.”

  “You mean your sex life.”

  I folded my arms and glowered at her.

  “Ara. It’s just a guy. He won’t hurt you, I promise.”

  “No, he just wants to have a one night stand. How damaging can that be?”

  “I never said that.” Emily dropped her arms to her sides and came to stand beside me against the sink, thankfully leaving the golden tones of the sun that made her look perfect behind. “Ara, please, just humour me? This guy is really nice and—”

  “Hang on.” I frowned as I looked at her. “You hassle me about virginity, but you’re still a virgin.”

  “That’s different. I have a boyfriend, so it’s by choice.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Who says mine’s not?”

  Her brow formed an arch above her eye. “You can’t be alone forever, Ara.”

  “Yes. I can,” I scoffed. “It’s my life.”

  “Well, I already told Spence you’d come, and his friend’s excited about meeting you.”

  “Great.” I tightened the fold of my arms.

  “Come on,” she whined. “I feel really sorry for him. He can’t seem to get a girl interested in him. I mean, he’s only had one girlfriend, and he’s starting to think he might have something wrong with him.”

  Maybe there is. “Fine.” I left Emily by the sink and slumped into a chair at the dining table. “I’ll go if you make me a coffee.”

  “Deal.” She clapped, then skipped over to the kettle.

  I glared at her with absolutely no tolerance for all her bouncing. If I could borrow even ten percent of her spirit, I’d be a completely different person.

  “So what time is dinner tonight?”

  “Eight o’clock.”

  “Oh, crud—I didn’t get Spence a birthday present.” I dropped my head into my hands. I’m so forgetful lately.

  “That’s okay. You can just gift him with your presence.”

  “Ha-ha.” I rolled my eyes and looked at my watch. Looks like I’m gonna be late for work again.

  The jingle of the doorbell announced my tardiness. Geoff doused his cigarette and waved the smoke around—as if that would rid the store of his stench—then dramatically extended his hand and lifted his sleeve to look at his watch. “Late again.”

  “Sorry, Geoff.” I quietly closed the door behind me. “I’m not sure how time’s escaping from me lately.” I stood in front of him and pinched the edges of my pleated skirt. “I know that’s no excuse and I’m really sorry, I—”

  “You know, if I tell my dad...” his tone rose in suggestion, making me more mad than concerned.

  “Well, what if I tell him you smoke in the store and—”

  “Student’s waiting for you.” He turned away and stalked off into the staff room behind the counter, which is where he’d stay for the remainder of the day. And despite the fact that I was supposed to be teaching, he still made me answer the phones, take stock, and inform customer
s about instruments I’d never even heard of. Jerk.

  The small frosted window on the classroom door, with stickers that read “Less n in pro ess” made me hate myself even more. I sighed and stood a little taller, pushing the door open. The show must go on. This only temporary.

  “Joseph.” The fake smile slipped away. “I forgot we had a lesson today.”

  “Wouldn’t miss a lesson with you, gorgeous.” The greying, eighty-year-old student slapped my behind with his shaky hands.

  “No, sir, wouldn’t dream of it, would we?” I cringed as I closed the door.

  The thin heel of my shoe clacked the pavement noisily until restaurant chatter spilled into the silence of the desolate street. I ran to a small booth at the centre of the room, waving off the hostess’ offer of assistance, and placed the small wrapped box on the table.

  “Sorry I’m late, guys.”

  “Oh, hey.” Emily’s concerned face instantly relaxed. “We were wondering if you were going to show.”

  “I said I would.” I shrugged and slid into the booth seat opposite them. “I just got caught up at work. Boss wanted a heart-to-heart.”

  “What about?” Emily asked.

  “Hey, thanks, Ara.” Spencer cut in, holding up the watch I bought on the way over here. Truth is, the heart-to-heart only took fifteen minutes—the rest of the time was spent shopping for Spencer’s present. Okay, so maybe I spent too long choosing a dress to wear too, but it’s not often I go out with friends anymore—and I’ve never been on a real date.

  “Um, it was about a promotion,” I said, then looked at Spencer. “So you like it then?”

  He wrapped the watch over his wrist and nodded. “Yeah, it’s great.”

  “Cool.” I smiled and looked at the menu, wondering where my blind date was.

  “So, Ara?” Emily held a glass in the air. “Here’s to Spence and his nineteenth birthday—and here’s to our one year anniversary of being friends.”

  Wow. She’s right. It’s a year to the day I met Emily, a year to the day I started a new school, and a year to the day that I met Da— “Well, salute.” I clinked my glass with theirs, but fought to fake happiness.

  “So, where’s your friend, Spence?” Emily asked.